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ALright, I’m gonna write. It sucks. Every time you get invited. And now in front of me. I guess it’s getting better but right when it happens it sucks.

Today it hurt because of you actually making me feel bad for feeling bad. Both with A and S they were my best friends and I had to feel bad hanging out with them alone. I had canceled and not done things with them to not leave you alone and because of your jealousy. But now you don’t understand and are mad that I am not happy with you stealing my friends away.

And I feel like you stole them away, yes. They were my friends and I always made sure to include you in everything. I’d change dates and schedule/not schedule things based on what you wanted and liked. And because of the above, I would not do things because you didn’t feel like it or didn’t like it. But I wouldnt’ schedule stuff alone while leaving you. I never left you. I just wouldnt’ do things I liked. On top of that, if something amazing was coming up and you couldn’t go I would reschedule or not do it. I am not going to a safari to not leave you alone. I skipped extending trips. I skipped going to Beijing. You were not happy with me going to Sydney. But now you’re mad at me for being mad at you for stealing my friends?

I cultivated a friendship with them. And now you’re just taking it away. We’re falling into the husband and wife roles. With V and E just whatever. It sucks but it just makes me realize what they wanted anyways. They’re traditional, which is just a way to explain them being sexist. V will have that “oh men” attitude. And fucking E is all feminist but have the traditional roles. Fuck them. I am fed up with E. Idk why I’m so much more forgiving with V though.

Regardless, that’s fine. It sucks that you took S away. She won’t stand up. She has no spine. She only cares about her privacy. I dont’ understand what she thinks of our friendship. It’s so weird. We talk literally all day but she shows nothing. She shares nothing. We are distant best friend. So fucking weird.

A reason I dont’ have guy friends is that I am always trying to include you. You don’t schedule anything for yourself. Let’s change that. Fuck you too. I’ll now do what I want and schedule what I want. I always want to make sure you’re happy to. Fuck that. You leave me hanging like that so now we’re not a team anymore. Fine. Take my friends and go be happy.

It’s a relief I guess. I now can do my stuff. I can schedule my things. I can have my friends. I dont’ want to hang out with you anymore. I don’t want to hang out with your friends. Take them all. Fuck you. Fuck them all.

I scheduled parties and made sure people could come, and people were happy. Great, I was the host. I am glad I was able to bring you good times. Now you go and fuck off. Nice. Great friends I have.

Fuck off.

Friendship

I’m very confused about how to react to things. Should I not be hurt that there are girls-only hangouts now? I can’t just brush this off. I wish I could just continue being friends with them but that’s all I can focus on. I don’t want to start all over again. It’s like I do this every two years. And I have to gain trust, chit chat and socialize for another two years until I make new best friends and break up with them for whatever reason.

I don’t want this to be expelled as anger towards them either. I don’t like myself when I do that. It includes my normal passive-aggressiveness which isn’t pretty.

Welp I don’t even know how to write this.

I hate being excluded. I am very jealous and I don’t want to be part of this circle. I don’t like this feeling and I don’t want to live with it. If you’re really my friends I shouldn’t have to deal with this and you should be on my side, right?

It’s funny that “girl’s night is different” moves back to the norm. If girl’s night is different and me being a guy I just change the mechanics of the group too much that something girlish natural is affected by having me around, doesn’t me just being friends affects that too? It’s also not normal for me to have this level of friendship with girls. I should be talking sports with the guys. We should hang out occasionally when we do couple things and I say how lovely the girls look and how great job they did at dinner, right?

Me being friends, talking daily, and trying to be there for all of you all the time just shouldn’t happen. Because that’s not natural. Because with guys around just isn’t the same?

Really though, most of those times “guys” is me. The original group of friends is me and you girls. The spouses aren’t the ones in the main group chats. The spouses would come when available. So now we’re just flipping me to be the spouse.

If that’s the new dynamics, then that’s it. I’m the spouse. I’ll hang out with the other spouses.

I’m taking this so hard thinking that now I have to do that with everyone because I know I have to make more guy friends. Now I think I’m mixing things up. These are two different problems!

1. I have to make new guy friends and learn how to socialize with them
2. I don’t like being excluded by your group

I bundled these up thinking that girl groups will hurt me so I need guy groups. But that’s not right. Your group will hurt me. I’ve had other girl groups. They were all fun. They all had my back. I feel like shit and that I am wrong. That’s a hard feeling to bear. I feel helpless. If the problem is the whole me, I might as well scrap it and start over, right? This sucks. I had good friends before. I still do all the way from previous states. If you’re all shitty and do things like this, you were just not the group I thought you were. So I just need to get rid of you it sounds like. Sarah is a good thing that came out of this, and the boys since I did get closer to them. If that’s the dynamics for us, let’s do this. I will keep my friendship with the guys and you will be the women that cook and clean. I will have to learn what things “women do” to throw in conversation every once in a while I guess. You bunch of dicks.

If that’s the normal for you I won’t be able to change you. I clearly am having a hard enough time to change myself, so I don’t want to deal with this right now. Sarah is great and is there for me.

It sucks, but that’s life I guess. Starting over is hard when you see everything you lost. It’s hard because of the breakup and memories. But knowing I lost shitty friends makes it at least a bit easier. I can finally stop thinking that the problem is me. That I shouldn’t be friends with any women. And realize that not all women will be good friends with me. Realize I was lucky to not have to deal with people like you until now.

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Ok, this all sucks. Looking at the alternative all I can think is ignoring this. But damn this is fucking hard. I just wish it hadn’t started. It was like a mirror shattering. Now there’s no fixing it. I miss you all but the idea of hanging out with you when I’m allowed sucks. I don’t want that. I was trying to think of some ways to put myself in your shoes to understand better but can’t find it. When would I bar someone from hanging out with me? I can’t think of it. Sometimes I will only invite a group of friends, or I will have friends I hang out with more often… but does that count? Having levels of friendship counts?

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Gosh this takes so much emotional energy from me. It’s hard to process this. I really don’t know how to handle it. I really wish this all wouldn’t have happened.

I don’t care

I don’t care anymore. Just tell me what to work on. This is a job, I am your worker. I will play your game and do my best.

My personal interests lie into improving my skills. I’ll ask for my pay and experience. So I keep the 1h/day training and I’m yours. Looking around, I don’t know what I’m passionate about yet. I have the generic passion for making the tools better for the users, but idk how that plays out in another company.

J says how NY messed me up, so I’m wondering if the environment full of talents isn’t for me. What if I would indeed be happier in another company with less perks and different culture? It’s possible, right?

I’m going to keep thinking about it and keep looking. I shouldn’t rage quit anyways, so I should use this time to go on my trips, learn more and start packing my bags in case

Begin Again

I feel so betrayed by my feminist friends. Even S went to the party without thinking of inviting me. I don’t know if it would’ve been different if this would’ve happened a year ago, but the timing sucks. Now just after me going crazy thinking if I should stop having female friends, they cast me out because of gender. Talk about losing your feminist card.

This is one step closer to normalcy. Life is simpler and easier in normal world, I know that. But I like who I was, in the outlier section. Not for the fact of being an outlier but for the fact of being me.

This means I need to change me. Worse yet, I have to begin again. I don’t want to go back to making brand new friends. I miss having friends already stablished, for years, that you already know what to trust and expect.

Yes, maybe this is a temporary thing that will stop, but it’s more like a wake call for me. I think they’re being a bunch of sexist dicks. Yes, part of me wants revenge and wants to make them feel what I’m feeling right now. Jealous. Left out. Alone. But I don’t want to act on that revenge. I don’t, but I need male friends. I need to exclude them so I can begin again, but now with real dicks.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want drama to stop. But that’s what I get for having women friends, right?

Well, I don’t know what’s going on between us. I thought after talking to you all my questions would’ve been answered but I still don’t know what you’re doing. You pretend “but we talked every day”. I don’t like that you hide behind those misleading facts to not confront me with your real plan. You like data, you know I can see it. Life would be so much easier if you didn’t put me through this. Why can’t you just be my friend and help me out?

And it makes me wonder if you don’t miss it. It feels like it was so easy for you to shut me out like that. Now random messages go unanswered… How do you not miss hanging out?

It make me jealous to think you just switched over to someone else. You just replaced me and that made no difference.

In the end, I guess this was bound to not be. Now I have no option but to keep you away, since that’s the only option you give me. I will miss you, and you will be a good memory. I will find another friend, another crush, another best friend, and you will be a memory and acquaintance. I’ve done it before, and I can do it again. I wish you hadn’t chosen this, but that’s your decision. I wish you had talked to me about it. As a best friend it would’ve been respectful if you talked to me. I deserved a best friend breakup.

My Feelings

So we’re finally going to talk. I know you keep saying you’re ok, but we literally went from 100+ messages a day to… a few? You barely respond. Something changed. Is it just because you’re busy in the new job? That’s the thing, it doesn’t matter what it is, I just want to know. Am I being nosy to ask so much why things have changed? No, you didn’t have a contract with me to always be ready to respond. But you changing overnight

“And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

And I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say”

That weird song actually rang a little.

I don’t know. When I’m stable I feel like I miss you out of routine. It’s just that when I was here I talked to you. So it’s weird when I’m here and I don’t. But at the same time it’s so weird to just let it go. I am torn of what to do about you. If that’s your new you, and you want to pursue other things instead of talking to me all the time one, I would like to know that’s the new deal. But two, I can move on and be fine… But for me moving on means… moving on. You’ll become an acquaintance. We will disconnect.

If we get together tonight I will want to know more about what’s going on in your head. Do you not want me to? Is that off limits? I want to know what to expect. Should I not count on you anymore? Should I deepen my friendship with someone else now?

Oh, and you brought up at lunch I said I didn’t want things to change but said I felt I was dating you… Is that what’s happening? You’re changing things on your own? You saying that pretty out of the blue just tells me you’re still thinking about that conversation. You saying “we are ok” does it mean we are fine but I’m changing the dynamics?

What bothers me is expectation. You not telling me these things forces me to guess them. Or try to. It’s not a abnormal expectation for me to want to know why I went from talking to you more than I did with my wife to less than I do with my acquaintances… Things are different.

Yes, that’s not the only thing. I don’t know if I don’t belong having girl friends. Not being invited to girl nights, never going to a bachelorette party, having crushes, not taking overnight trips… It just feels like I’m forcing friendships that shouldn’t exist. It’s a hard transition for me. That’s who I’ve been my whole life. These are the people I know. I don’t know what to do.

Well, here we go.

I feel depressed all over again. I thought talking to you was going to make things better. But I feel like I only unloaded 5% of all the emotional baggage I collected along this week. I just want to give up on your friendship. Give up on life. There’s no point. I’m doing it all wrong. Everything has a problem, and the problems are all I can focus on. Why not just make it all stop.

I don’t like measuring my words when I talk to you. It was horrible. It’s not the kind of friendship I want with you. I want to be able to overshare, and to hear everything you’re thinking. Is this not what you want anymore? I just want to give up on you and move on to other friendships. I really can only focus on one person at a time. This is not normal.

I wish I could make thing overthinking train stop. It’s better than making my life stop. But much harder. The talk today was exhausting. I just want to sit in a dark room for the rest of the day. I just want to cry. I just want to talk with you and see if you can help me. But what if I’m asking too much from you again? What if that’s not what you want? I want to get together again for the whole night and talk. Is that going to be a task for you? To take care of me when I’m down? Is this not what you signed up for when we became friends? Am I thinking of this as a relationship instead? Interlocking us like this. I help people. I tried helping you through your breakup, through anything that happened to you. I wish you’d do the same. I wish this wasn’t so complicated. I want to stop it all. There’s no point.

I’m not good at this life thing. I just keep spiraling down without control again and again.

I have to find a way to function. It’s not your fault, but your help would really be appreciated. Anything aside from the all or nothing is hard to do for me, and right now you’re my all.

I keep bouncing between bringing you closer and wanting you farther. Just be done. Just stop all this.

Alternate Reality

I miss you. I miss having a great overlap where you were part of my true daily life. I understand that’s not something we can sustain in the long run. But if we’re going to change, give me time. Give me notice.

I don’t know what happened seven days ago. You were suddenly a different person. Our talks got shorter, some messages unanswered, no face to face contact. I’m curious to know if it was a decision or just one of the awkwardness. Whatever it was, I want to talk about it. I need to. Why are you closing me off?

I just want to be friends. I get that we could use some distance from what we once were, but not like this. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong (if I’m doing something wrong). I don’t know what the new expectations are. I am so lost. We exchanged dozens (hundreds?) of messages a day. I could trust you with all my thoughts. What is the new contact now? Are we not sharing thoughts anymore? Are we going to be regular coworkers? Should I text less?

I am nervous for us. Our friendship was something very deep for me and I don’t know why it exploded. I am nervous for our lunch. I just don’t want to lose you. Not now. Now this quickly.

Depression

I’m giving into depression sooner this time. I think it’s the first time I see symptoms and call it out myself. I am afraid of telling people I think I have it and later on being nothing. I am very anxious about what to talk to my counselor in the 1h session. It’s just one hour. What if she thinks I am freaking out.

Today I identified part of the problem which is inclusion. Not being sure i should be friends with S makes me feel left out. Not being invited to two girl’s events now make me feel left out. Figuring out that I crashed my team picture AND my team lunch made me feel even worse. Without S, without my girls and without my team… I’m not left with much. I am not only alone, but I feel like I lost it all, and that I pushed them to accept me. I have a penis, there’s nothing I can do to join them. Those were the parties I am interested on going, where people get personal and share stories. The heart-to-hearts.

That alone doesn’t mean I’m depressed. I didn’t decide to give into the symptoms because of rational thought. I decided I should get checked because of the feels. Because when left alone I would sit in a car and stare at the steering wheel. Because I don’t want to go to sleep, don’t want to get up, don’t want to do anything.Because when people are not looking, I am sad.

As every crisis I’ve had, J isn’t included in this post. I think it’s because she is me. I can always count on her being there, so I never worry. But anxiety kicks in and it makes me wonder if it’s because there’s something wrong. But I think it’s just me worrying.

I’m not sure what to do. I wish I could pull a W and just take 3 months of paid leave and figure it all out. But would I just waste my time like she did? How would that affect my job? What would I tell people? Is it even that bad?

Now I just want a pill to go back. Go back to when I didn’t have worries. But not that I think about it I can’t remember when that was. I was so happy when S was part of my life all the time while still being married. I think those were the best times. I don’t think I can go back. I wish I could.

So I feel like I’ve lost it all. And now things will change. And I have to make guy friends because that’s where I belong. I don’t belong with women. I am an impostor there.

im·pos·tor
a person who pretends to be someone else in order to deceive others, especially for fraudulent gain. 

Being with them because of attraction. I don’t know. I just don’t belong.

I don’t want to have this talk to my counselor. I don’t know where to start. I just want to take something to make it all go away. Or to disappear. There’s no point on being here. Just evaporate in a way that people forget I existed, where it wouldn’t make a difference to them. Someone this morning made a joke about calling the suicide hotline… oh the irony.

Loneliness

Well, here I am again.

I’ve been finding myself down when everything is quiet. Just pacing around not knowing what to do. I just feel lonely.

It’s funny how things repeat with different players. I find myself again focused on one friend, with a crush, and not being able to make acquaintances. That’s what got me in trouble before. I’m so afraid of losing another best friend after everything I’ve lost the past year.

I’m trying really hard (and occasionally failing) to keep her friend zoned. I’m talking to her about depression as I write this… how ironic. If I lost her I’d be completely lost. I need to make friends… guy friends! But I have no idea how to start. I don’t get as along, but I wonder if it is because there’s no attraction. I get very along with people I’m attracted to. That leads me to being close to them. That leads to friendship. That leads to stronger attraction and bad decisions. I don’t make to make bad decisions.

I miss having friends to hang out with. I have everything else in place but this.

I’m constantly thinking that things aren’t ok. I recognize bad feelings coming back, feelings that eventually broke up the trio relationship. Very unhealthy stuff, jealousy and desperation. I don’t like that and I don’t want them back. There’s no point of fighting them, I just want to avoid them completely.

So I’m going to do my best to keep her friendzoned, and to make new friends I guess. Let’s see how it works out.